Maria Leonard Olsen: 5 Things You Need To Know To Survive And Thrive After Divorce
An Interview With Fotis Georgiadis
Fotis GeorgiadisFollow
Dec 5 · 9 min read
No one is responsible for your happiness but you. Stop looking for something outside of you to complete you. You are enough. I started loving myself after my divorce. I even had a marriage ceremony to myself, in which I promised to honor myself and make changes in my life so that it aligned with my values.
Aspart of our series about the “5 Things You Need To Know To Survive And Thrive After A Divorce Or Breakup” I had the pleasure of interviewing Maria Leonard Olsen.
Maria Leonard Olsen is the mother of two children, a lawyer, journalist and author of several books, including 50 After 50: Reframing the Next Chapter of Your Life. She is the podcast host of “Becoming Your Best Version” and co-host of the Inside Out radio show on WPFW-fm, 89.3, in Washington, D.C. Her TEDx Talk, “Turning Life’s Challenges Into a Force for Good,” was released in November 2021. See www.MariaLeonardOlsen.com for more information.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to ‘get to know you’. Can you tell us a bit about how you grew up?
Igrew up in the suburbs of Washington, D.C. My parents were forbidden by law to marry in Maryland. Until 1967, interracial marriage was illegal in 16 states!
I grew up in white neighborhoods and schools and always felt a bit out of place, as the sole brown person. I overcompensated by becoming a people pleaser. At least excelling in school served me well!
Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?
At age 50, I got sober, divorced, became an empty nester and was living alone for the first time in my life. I wrote a book about how I crawled out of a hole of despair, and saw that it helped thousands of people. So, while my day job is working as a lawyer, my passion is helping others re-invigorate their lives and use their life’s challenges to help others.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you started this career?
I spoke at the National March to End Rape Culture. One in four women will have been sexually assaulted in her lifetime, yet so many people keep these experiences secret. I could not talk about my rape without crying for many years. In fact, I kept it a secret for decades. But after I spoke at the march, I was surrounded by young women who said they could not believe I shared my story and how much that helped them. I realized that I had a mission to speak out.
Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?
When I turned 50, my gift to myself was to try 50 new things in my 50th year to determine how I wanted to live the next chapter of my life. I wanted to sing on a stage, but I am a terrible singer. I went to an open mic and belted out a song. I left the stage to wan applause. I was awful! But I learned from the experience that fear will not kill me.
Do you have a favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Do you have a story about how that was relevant in your life or your work?
Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” I had given too much of my power away by caring deeply about what others thought of me. I no longer do that. I care more about what I think and if what I am doing aligns with my values. It has changed my life.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
I am writing a book about the Pandora’s Box of DNA test kits. These kits are so accessible now, but people are not prepared for the discoveries. I have interviewed dozens of people who discovered their fathers who raised them were not their biological fathers, or who have found siblings they never knew about.
People take these tests for fun. I want them to be aware of the ramifications and to know how and where to get help processing shocking news.
Ok. Thank you for that. Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion. Can you tell us a bit about your experience going through a divorce, or helping someone who was going through a divorce? What did you learn about yourself during and after the experience? Do you feel comfortable sharing a story?
I was married for 25 years. I still love my ex-husband. We grew up together. But I drank my way out of that marriage until he had had enough. I grieved the family life I dreamed of as a child. It took me years to move past the hurt. I had to internalize the message that no one is responsible for my happiness but me. I had used outside affirmations as a barometer of my self-worth, to my detriment.
I learned that I still have much to give the world and that I can make a difference. I learned the difference between being alone and being lonely. I got into a couple of unhealthy relationships after my divorce and had to reach down deep to leave them. I had to value myself more and not settle for less than I deserved.
In your opinion, what are the most common mistakes people make after they go through a divorce? What can be done to avoid that?
Spend time alone. Do not jump into a rebound relationship. Sometimes, it can be scary being alone. But realize that you are enough and that you will be ok. Storms in life are frequently making room for something better. So let go. Just be.
Get involved with something that makes the world a better place. Get out of your head. Don’t run away from your feelings, but don’t stay on a pity pot. Do esteem able acts to raise your self-esteem.
People generally label “divorce” as being “negative”. And yes, while there are downsides, there can also be a lot of positive that comes out of it as well. What would you say that they are? Can you share an example or share a story?
It is easy to grow complacent in one’s life. Divorce forces re-evaluation. Maybe it can spurn growth and new passions in life. It did for me. I realized that my experiences could help others. I wrote books and articles about my experiences that have helped thousands of people. People trust me with their stories because they know what I have been through and the similarities in our stories.
Some people are scared to ‘get back out there’ and date again after being with their former spouse for many years and hearing dating horror stories. What would you say to motivate someone to get back out there and start a new beginning?
Do activities that interest you, and you will meet people who share your interests. Even if you don’t, you will be doing things you like and enriching your life. Check out your local college’s, community center’s or museum’s offerings. Get involved in volunteer work. You will realize that you like you, and that is the most important thing. As your energy becomes more positive, you will attract more positive people into your life.
What is the one thing people going through a divorce should be open to changing?
Open your mind to new things. Travel. Read. Learn new things. This is a time to grow and to re-discover who you are and who you want to be. Change your routine. Expand your horizons. Your life is happening right now. Don’t waste the time you have left.
Ok, here is the main question of our discussion. If you had a close friend come to you for advice after a divorce, what are 5 things you would advise in order to survive and thrive after the divorce? Can you please give a story or example for each?
You are not what happened to you or the mistakes you made. You don’t have to live there. You can grow from any situation. What can you learn? What can you do better in your next relationship? I believe my husband and I took each other for granted after years of being together. But love is active; it shouldn’t become passive. So in my relationship now, I actively choose to love him every day. And each day, we text each other one thing we appreciate about the other person. It can be a small thing. This keeps us focused on the positive. And that which we focus on becomes magnified in our minds.
No one is responsible for your happiness but you. Stop looking for something outside of you to complete you. You are enough. I started loving myself after my divorce. I even had a marriage ceremony to myself, in which I promised to honor myself and make changes in my life so that it aligned with my values.
Surround yourself with people who uplift you. Avoid energy vampires. You need to be around positive vibration, especially now. I cut out negative people from my life and learned how to set appropriate boundaries. I try to be with people who discuss ideas instead of other people. This has bettered the quality of my life and interactions.
Keep a journal. It helps to process your feelings. It is also helpful to look back at your entries and see how far you’ve come. Most of the things I worried about never came to fruition. Writing them down, though, helped me release them. I am learning to let go of worry because it is a waste of energy.
Remember that your life is happening right now. Don’t settle for the gray safety that sameness offers. The world is big, and it is your oyster. Go out and try new things. The internet has opened the world up in ways we never could have imagined. Travel is one of my favorite things to do. It expands our perspective and helps me cultivate gratitude for the wonders of the world and all of my blessings.
The stress of a divorce can take a toll on both one’s mental and emotional health. In your opinion or experience, what are a few things people going through a divorce can do to alleviate this pain and anguish?
Practice self-care, which includes mental, social, physical, spiritual, financial and other aspects. Remember that you cannot pour from an empty cup. You need to take care of yourself. No one else is going to do it.
Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources related to this topic that you would recommend to our readers?
Please check out my podcast, “Becoming Your Best Version,” which is available on iTunes, Spotify and five other platforms. I interview inspiring women, who give tips on becoming their best selves.
For books, read my 50 After 50: Reframing the Next Chapter of Your Life, which describes how I moved on after divorce. It is a great guide for anyone seeking to reinvigorate their lives.
Other books that inspired me include Man’s Search for Meaning and The Four Agreements. Both contain valuable lessons that changed my life.
Because of the position that you are in, you are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)
Spread kindness. You may be the only expression of love that a given person experiences on a certain day. If we all spread love, the world would be a much better place for all of us.
We are very blessed that very prominent leaders read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them :-)
Oprah. She overcame much adversity to become wildly successful. And she uses her platform to help so many people. I would like to do the same.
Thank you for these great insights and for the time you spent with this interview. We wish you only continued success!
#fiftyafter50 #becomingyourbestversion #becomingyourbestversionpodcast #divorce #survivingdivorce
https://medium.com/authority-magazine/maria-leonard-olsen-5-things-you-need-to-know-to-survive-and-thrive-after-divorce-4150a6d952ef